Quiet at Last

I love my family, I love the giggles and the noise, but today was not one of those days.  My kids were being awesome, just hyper.  Giggling, running around, fighting, singing, talking........just noise.

Today I got home from work around 4:45 and the noise started.  When I fed them dinner it was quiet as soon as their mouths were empty......it started.  Like I said they were awesome tonight, but they are 3 and 4.  They wanted to watch a movie.  So they ran around being silly.  Jasmin asked me for something to eat every 5 minutes (I hope this kid is getting ready for a growth spurt).

All I wanted to do was hang out watch movies and sew.  I have not sewn for a while now and I want to hopefully finish a blanket this weekend that I started almost a year ago.  I tried, I think I had a bit of ADD myself.  I did work on it just did not get as much done as I hoped.  We tried Arthurs Christmas.....Payeton bounced back and forth between my room which had Wonder Pets and the front room.  Than we tried the Spiderman that just came out.......

Jeff finally at 9:45 said come join me so we rounded the kids, brushed teeth climbed into my bed, and the girls were still being noisey.  We finally got them to lay down.  Payeton, does not know how to be quiet.  She is chatter box.....CONSTANTLY.

We finally got them to settle down........and in about 3 minutes this is what they looked like!!!

Jasmin  and her teddy bear found the book over
the face the best way to fall asleep

Payeton thought her book was a good resting spot!

I want more kids, but after the noisey house tonight......I am rethinking.....ok not really........

I do love my kids I am just suprised at how much noise these 2 cute adorable little kids can make.  It did not bother me I was not frustrated, but now that everyone is alseep.  My ears are thanking me.......WOW it was a noisey night!

Complaining VS Doing

Yes, even I am guilty of this it seems like lately I have had a feeling of unease, frustration, irritation, confusion.....I am sure you get the idea.  I was talking to my husband last night.  I told him I am tired of the constant come and go of this un-easy feeling.  I cannot seem to pinpoint where it is coming from.  OK I know it is a Satan thing to make me self doubt, but I also believe that an un-easy feeling means that something is wrong and it is the Spirit telling you so. For me it has been a couple of months of off and on un-easy feelings.

So anyways - I was talking to my husband about this and he asked me what is going on.  I told him I have no idea.  I wish I knew because I would work on fixing the problem.  I told him I am not sure if it something going on him and school, work, stress of being broke, stress of not know what the next step is, stress of life and it is wearing me down.  If it because our house is un organized, because I have a ton of unfinished projects.  I don't know.  

He reply was, everything is good with him and school is going well.  It is very possible that it is just all the stress we have been through lately that has worn me down. He is unsure how to help.

So today as I was having the girls help me with cleaning up their room, putting books away, putting shoes away, making beds, vacuuming I realized how luck I really am.  I than moved to my room to strip the sheets off my bed so I can wash sheets.  I went down stairs and paused and looked at my laundry room/storage room.  WE HAVE A LOT OF CRAP.  Which we probably don't but because everything is so unorganized it feels like it.  

Than I got thinking.  Why do I feel like I never get anything accomplished and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I spend so much time complaining about how hard things are, how much money we don't have, how it has sucked that I have not had a place to call my own for 4 years.....(the list can keep going) that I have taken the time to stop and appreciate what I do have.  I need to take the energy I have been spending on complaining and start doing.  Even if I only have 5 minutes to work on something.  Take those 5 minutes and go clean a closet, vacuum a floor, etc. 

Than I realized that I spend a fair amount of time playing on the i-pad, the computer, Facebook, etc. If I were to set a timer and only allow myself a short amount of time each day and focus on getting done and cleaning up that I am sure at the end of the day I would feel a lot less stressed and our house would look a lot better!

So here is my change to stop complaining and start doing!

Cleft Palate

Cleft palate is an everyday term in our house.  Both of my daughters were born with a cleft palate.  To most jaws will hit the floor followed by the response "both your daughters were born with a cleft palate?"  I usually say "yes and my youngest is #8 in 3 generations".  Than the questions start to roll in. OR someone will ask me advice about nursing their babies. I just smile and say I am the wrong the person to ask.  The response usually entails "but you have 2 daughters" and I respond with a smile "your are right and I was unable to nurse either one".  Than the questions start pouring which leads us back to the cleft palate question.

I have a dear friend who has talked to a couple of people that she has ran into who had a child with a cleft palate and they get talking about and she will share my story with them and they ask her how I do it.  She responds to them because she has no choice.

My mom is visiting my sister in Texas and at church yesterday she over heard a conversation with a lady that has 4 children and her oldest was born with Pierre Robin Syndrome and her youngest was born with a cleft palate.  While I am not familiar with Pierre Robin Syndrome, I do know that the child is born with a cleft palate because the tongue was forced up during development which caused the palate not to close.  

Anyways mom over heard her and she started talking to her about me and my situation and all that we have gone through.  So my mom shared my information with her so she can ask questions and get help and support.  But as my mom and I were talking she told me I needed to started a support network or web page.  I had to laugh because I was actually just thinking about that same thing a few days ago.  

Doctors are wonderful, technology is amazing and a cleft palate is easily fixable.  The Dr's run through procedures, what will happen physically they will watch grow and development.  But they never touch on what to expect as a parent emotionally.  They never tell you want you as the parent are going to go through, the stress, the worry, the struggles, the tears before surgery......etc.  SO in talking to my mom she told me that this lady has a ton of questions and is struggling emotionally and wants the support of another parent that has been there, done that, has the sweatshirt.  

On top of trying to start my own sewing business (that I have felt the desire/need to do I will be taking on another project of starting a website to offer support to others that have children born with a cleft palate.  How? What will the content be?  Will it be utilized by others?  I have no idea I just know it is something I need to do.  Even if I can help others get in touch with people in their community so they can receive the support they want. FABULOUS.  

So here is to my new venture...........AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Hoarding vs Organized

Lately I have been cranky, irritable, frustrated, depressed.....OK I think you get the idea.  Part of it is the weather, part of it is being absolutely broke, part of it is that I work and am not a stay at home mom like I want to be, part of it is we have been in transition from house to house for the past 4 years.  OK I can go on and on about what causing my "funk", but after looking around I think I figured it out.

Part of it I feel like we live in this

OK I know we do not live like this....it just feels like this sometimes 

But I want to live in this

OK I realize this is not attainable realistically with a 3  year old and a 4 year old

So I have started a new quest.  I read some where that you cannot be happy in life if you are not happy now.  (or something along those lines).  I decided I am the one that can change the state of my house and I cannot wait until Jeff has a job, we get into a house of our own, we have more money, etc.  I need to start now.  So I have been looking online for Dollar Store organization tips, ideas, etc.  I have found some.  

But where do you begin.  I feel like everywhere I look I have an unfinished project.  So my goal lately is to make a list of all the projects I have and finish them.  I have banned myself of shopping at fabric stores.  Unless I NEED something to finish a project.  I have been working on quilt tops. 

As I open the cupboard I am trying to group foods together.  So all the peanut butter is in one spot. All the rice. ETC.  As I work on my cleaning up, cleaning out, mood I will be taking pictures of before and after.  Now all I have to do is wait for payday to tackle my first organizing project.

Un-Easy

(This is from October 13, 2012)

Today was......well interesting.  Well, it started out normal.  We woke up cut Jeff's hair for work, fed the girls got him out the door to work and it was me and the girls all day!  But when he left I was in a good positive get the house spit shined clean.  The girls helped me pick up their room and strip the sheets off the beds to be washed.  I started a fire, the first one of the season (that was a mistake by 2p.m. our house was a gazillion degrees and was not cooling down).  The girls helped me put toys away and I vacuumed the front room.  While I was vacuuming the girls were playing hide from the monster (the vacuum) they were all screams and giggles.  It was great. Than it started.  "MOM sissy touched me" "MOM, I want a drink" "MOM sissy won't leave me alone" "MOM can we decorate for Halloween?" "MOM......." OK I think you get the idea. 

All I wanted to clean up my kitchen which was long over due.  I had canned tomatoes, and pears during the week.  Not just a few jars, but SEVERAL jars.  I did not count the tomatoes, but the pears worked out to be 10 quarts and 9 pints.  My mom did all the apple juice and grape juice.  Her stove top can fit the juicer.  So my table is covered in canned foods, my cupboards are torn apart as I have started rearranging several times to make room for the new canned food,  my floor has a nice layer of sticky pear stuff and tomato guts.  The stove top was a sticky, yucky mess.  So I told the girls that I needed to clean the kitchen than we could do whatever we wanted.  So they picked out a Strawberry Shortcake movie and I thought perfect I can bust a move and get my kitchen cleaned up and back in order.  That thought lasted 10 seconds.  As I started cleaning the girls gave me the most innocent look ever and said "Mom, come sit with us and watch the movie"  How on earth do you say no to that?  Between the looks on their face and the sweet sweet tone they asked in and me feeling like I do not have enough sit down and cuddle time with my children I gave it. I sat between them on the couch.  In about 5 minutes I was starting to fall asleep.  So I grabbed a pillow and laid down on the floor and Jasmin sat down on the floor and leaned against my side and watched her movie.  I did not intend to fall asleep but, I DIED.  I was out in about 2 seconds.  

SO, I took a power nap and now that I was feeling better.  I jumped up and said "OK girls, mommy needs to clean the kitchen so why don't you play!  Do you want me to turn on some fun dancing music?"  They both said no and so I headed in the to kitchen when the "MOMS" started up again.  What was against me getting my kitchen cleaned today?  So I decided it was time out.  I put Jasmin in her room and told her she was not allowed to come out until I came in and got her.  She could nap, read books, lay on the bed.  I did not care as long as she did not come out.  I put Payeton on the front room couch with a pile of books a pillow and some blankets and told her she was not allowed off the couch until I told her she could.  That lasted 20 minutes as I frantically unloaded the dishwasher, scrubbed the stove top, reloaded the dishwasher, and washed dishes by hand.  Than I could hear Jasmin "MOM....MOM....MOM....CAN I COME OUT NOW...MOM...MOM...MOM"  I was ignoring her.  When I looked at the time I realized they were probably cranky because they were hungry.  After all it was 2:30 p.m.  I made lunch and got the girls out of time out and they ate 3 bites. "MOM my tummy hurts" "MOM I don't like it" "MOM....."  Seriously? We got through lunch, while they ate I wiped down jars and labeled them.  So we finally decorated for Halloween.  

Than it was time to tackle the laundry that has been piling up on my bed all day long.  Just as I was finishing Jeff called and asked what I wanted for dinner.  He brought dinner home we ate.  Payeton peed her pants - we showered her.  We ate dinner Jasmin was showered.  Jeff unloaded the dishwasher.  We were waiting for our sheets to be out of the dryer so we could make the bed I sat down at the computer to work on a few things.  Jeff was on the bed with the girls when.......The evening got crazy.  

It was 7:30 and my plan was to put kids to bed early....I told them after Doc McStuffins it was time for bed.  They said OK so they were cuddling with Jeff when I heard a bizarre noise....almost like someone was trying to stop a ceiling fan.  Jeff jumped up and yelled at me...."SHE'S BLEEDING!!!"  I was trying to run in from the office to our bedroom.  My thought was.  What do you mean she is bleeding?  Jasmin had her hands over her mouth and I asked what happened and she pointed at her mouth.  I thought OK big deal she bit her tongue.  But  her eyes said other wise.  They were huge.  Than I panicked I thought OH MY GOSH SHE SWALLOWED HER TONGUE!!!! OK how I don't know that is what I thought.  

Jeff picked her up and said look she is bleeding.  I took her from Jeff and carried her to our bathroom to figure out what was going on.  The entire time Jasmin kept her hand clamped over her mouth.  Than Jeff handed me a towel as I sat her down on the toilet and tried to figure it out.  She started to cough when blood splattered out of her hands.....I started to freak out.  I handed her the towel and she coughed big time and quite a bit of blood came out.  She started to gag so I picked her opened the toilet and she started to throw up.  She has an extremely sensitive gag reflex.  She kept throwing up and a lot of blood.  As she was throwing up Jeff came in and said the back scratcher was crammed down her throat (the non scratching end) and he brought it and there was a large piece of skin on the back of it.  Jasmin looked over and started to gag again.  We wiped it off and I stepped out of the bathroom so Jeff could help her - I do not do the throw up thing.  

We got her to calm down I set her back on the toilet and looked at her.  She was scared.  I told her she was OK, but I needed to know what happened.  She said that the back scratcher went down her throat.  She was chewing on the non scratching end and was laying between Jeff's legs.  He was on his stomach.  He rolled over or moved his leg and it hit the back scratcher and forced it down her throat.  The bleeding stopped really quick which was good, but when we looked at her throat it looked like there was a huge gash down the right side of her throat.  We debated about taking her in to the ER and than you could hear that her throat was a little bit swollen.  Nothing major.....like a sore throat swollen.  So I took her to the ER.  The nurse laughed that a back scratcher went down her throat.  

Jasmin was awesome.  She answered all of the nurses questions about how the "scratcher back" (Jasmin's words) went down her throat.  The end result was the DR came in and looked at her and said that she bruised her left tonsil area, her right tonsil area, and her Uvula I never knew you could do that.  My concern was that because of her cleft palate that she tore it open again even though she had surgery in 2009.  The DR looked and said everything was good and she was OK.  He looked at her  and asked "do you want to spend the night here or go home and sleep?"  My thought was he wants to keep us to make sure she is OK.  Jasmin said she wanted to go home and sleep and he said "Sounds like a great plan to me.....You should go home and climb into bed"  He discharged up and she is OK.  

We were home just before 9 and Jeff said Dave Jacobson is coming over to talk to us.  They want to give us callings and wanted to see what we thought. What callings we like, which ones we hated, etc.  So we chit chatted for a while.  He left we got kids into bed again. Now it is 10:30.  I finished up some things I needed to do and climbed into bed.  Jeff and I are talking and laughing and I am paranoid about Jasmin.  Than I get an uneasy feeling that flows over me.  I cannot get it to go away and I am pooped all I want to do is go to sleep.  GRRR.  

Yesterday my mom and I were talking about how she thinks I might be diabetic.  Not the first time I have heard that.  My doctor thinks I am pre-diabetic.  But my mom was saying that I have been very irritable lately.  Everything grates on me.  I have been yelling at everyone .....it has been bad.  I am not depressed just gaining weight and irritable.  She said she was talking to a friend of hers as they were headed to the temple about irritability and how I have been very irritable lately.  Her friend works in a senior living place and she was saying that they can tell when an elderly is becoming diabetic because they start to get irritable. My mom and I were always told that the signs were you drink like crazy and drop weight extremely fast.  Not necessarily the case.  So my moms friend said that her daughter, who is also a nurse, noticed she was becoming very irritable over everything.  The daughter took her mom to the drug store bought a blood sugar testing kit and tested her blood.  Her blood sugar was at 500.  The daughter than said OK mom we are now going to the ER. That is how my my moms friend discovered she was diabetic.  So my mom pointed out that I have been very irritable for a while now.  Over EVERYTHING.  No joke and she is encouraging me to get my blood sugar tested to see if that is my problem.  I have been gaining weight and have no desire to exercise.  

So tonight as I lay in bed I keep thinking I am diabetic.  Than my mind starts to go.  I do not want to die young.  I do not want to die before my girls grow up I do not want to leave them motherless.  What does that mean?  I don't want to give my self injections.  I don't want to give up soda and ice cream.......but I am thinking that is why I am not at ease tonight.  Something is for sure wrong with me. I am extremely over weight I am cranky all the time.  I am tired all the time.  I just want to be left alone.  I am not depressed. I have been there done that.  But something is wrong with me.  I do not know what, but I have had the feeling for a long time now that something is wrong with me.  Not terminally wrong, but that something is wrong.  I am tired of going to the Dr.s but something is wrong.  I do not even know where to begin with figuring it out.  So I guess the first step is to find a blood testing kit to see if I am diabetic.  I need to find someone that has a kit and borrow it or have them help me test.

Well anyways think I am going to finally go to bed.

WALKING......

Lately my husband has been supporting me in loosing weight and getting my leg back in shape (I ruptured my Achilles tendon in December).  I walk roughly 1.2 miles a day.  For some that is the warm up, BUT there is a hill I walk up that is.....well torturous.  I mean really.  I walk my neighborhood two times so I walk this hill two times.  

While on my walk I passed a young girl that I know that was running with her dog.  Not jogging, not trotting, but running.  It started my thinking.  I have never been a particularly small person.  I am very German, very Viking which translates into a large frame and large muscles.  Although right now I am mostly fat.  But in high school when I was playing sports year round I had to wear men's jeans because my thighs and my butt were too big to fit into women's jeans.  

So anyways back to my thought process.  I was watching her run down the street and I was thinking....RUNNING IS EVIL.  I played soccer for 23 years, but running.  running to run is EVIL.  In high school the first hour of soccer practice was running.  I mean like...."OK girls go for your 45 minute run"  I dreaded it.  I HATED IT.  Swimming on the other hand.  Let me go swim laps for an hour and I would be a happy campier.  Than I started thinking.  WOW to have that much energy.  WOW to be back down to 170......(that's what I weighed when my husband and I started dating 6 years ago.  Six years later, 2 kids 13 months apart, and 3 surgeries later, I have gained almost 100 pounds.  HOW DEPRESSING!!!! What to do about?  I know I know eat healthier, work out, drink more water, be more active, join a gym.   Well in my perfect world I would have a gym membership, I would be a stay at home mom, I could cook and we would have a small work out room so while we watch our evening movie I can jump on the elliptical training and work out. HOWEVER, reality is I cannot cook, I am lucky to go pee by myself, and I feel like more often than not I run around like a chicken with my head cut off.  

I have been loosing weight slowly......LET ME STRESS SLOWLY.  According to my scale at home I was doing great and than I stood on the scale at the doctors office and I though "OK you added weights to the scale because my scale at home does not say that.......CRAP"....

To be truthful my weakness is that I love sweet things, I love drinking soda, and I do not enjoy eating.  I much rather snack all day long and drink soda.  I think water is gross, it is bland, and drinking it is a chore.  But the older I get the more I have noticed that I enjoy drinking ice cold water.  So I am slowly drinking more water.  My biggest fear in life is that I am gonna be one of those 380 pound women that cannot get out of bed.   AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.  

That was my thought process on my walk tonight. 

Have you ever stopped and really looked around?  I have been doing that lately as we are trying to find a more permanent place to live.  I have really taken in my surroundings.  Where I live now.  Neighborhoods that I want to live in.  But more importantly I have taken the time to look at my things.

I have noticed the older I get that the media tells us what we cannot live without.  We cannot live without the newest phone, the newest computers, the new game that is now in 3D, we cannot live without the pair of shoes that make us feel like we are running on clouds.  ETC.  I am sure I could go on and on about what we are told that we cannot live without.

I must be old fashioned or against change.  The other day my husband and I went to go "upgrade" his cell phone.  He has an old Verizon flip phone LG.  It still works he can make calls and receive calls.  He can text and take pictures and that is it.  He does not have a full keyboard so he has to hit each key numerous times to get the letter he wants.  He cannot surf the Internet he cannot post to Facebook, he cannot no do anything other than call.  People often laugh at us because his phone is about 10 years old, been through the wash a few times.  Took a swim in a swimming pool, been drooled on by kids, dropped on the cement, you name it his phone has endured and what I love. IT STILL WORKS....My sister and brother-in-law both have these fancy dancy phones that do almost anything you want.  I am surprised that they do not have the fold your laundry app on it yet. However, they have both gone through 3 or 4 phones in the last 2 years.  

So back to my story.  We were in Verizon and we told them we want a phone and they asked what we were looking for and I chimed in and said a phone.  And the guy chuckled and said we can help you so what kind of phone do you want?  Touch screen, i-phone, Droid based, etc.  I looked at him and said we want a phone.  He had that look like "DUH you idiot we have phones what phone".  After his look I reached in to my husbands pocket (he loves to wear carpenter pants so the pocket is on the side of his leg) and I said we want a phone as he looked down at the counter and he laughed and said "oh well they don't make that kind of phone anymore"  I said I know but that is the phone we want"

Needless to say we did not upgrade his phone.  But what made me laugh is that in order to upgrade a phone it seems like you must purchased a phone with a data package that allows you to surf the Internet, cook your dinner and clean your house.  What kills me is that they have these great phones, but you have to sign a 2 year contract, buy a data package, upgrade you current plan because every other week they decided they do not want to support on plan or another, and you have to pay local taxes, state taxes, federal taxes, a fee for this an activation fee, and changing your underwear fee and who knows what else, but hey they will get you going in a plant that only cost $69.99 plus your $39.99 data package plan plus all your taxes so when your bill shows up in the mail you discover you went over your gigabytes by 3, you talked 3 minutes to long, and you got that spam text from some company you never heard and now you have to take out a lone to pay your $150/month bill.  All because you want a new phone.  What happened to the good ol' Nokias?

Its not that I am against technology, but what happened to the simple days?  Before technology decided to rule our world? These advances were created to make our lives simpler, but I feel like it has made my life harder.  Once I get something figured out, it seems like a company made "improvements" which only causes me headaches because now I have to figure it out all over again.

My mom often tells me I was born in the wrong era.  The older I get I totally agree.  I should have been born in the 50's or 60's.............