I Hate….

…the mom I have become.  I have become fat, lazy, uninterested, fatigued, frustrated, distant, addicted to my phone, friendless,  …..I could go on.  

Motherhood is a hard thing to endure.  I am so tired at the end of the day that I cannot wait for my kids to go to bed.  I have stopped reading to them every night, I have stopped snuggling them every night.  Every night my littles ask me “will you come read to us? Will you come snuggle?” To which I reply every night “I will try”. I don’t want to try, I don’t want to snuggle, I don’t want to read to them.  And I hate that I feel that way.  I know that pretty soon the asking for snuggles and reading will stop and I will miss that, I know that soon they will be gone and on their own and I will long for the days of asking to play games, read books, snuggle.  But right now, with everything going on in my brain I just can’t.  Then I climb into bed and I pull out my phone and play games, dooms day scroll, everything else instead of being the mom that I want to be. Instead of taking 10 minutes and reading to them, tucking them, giving them one last hug and kiss.  

My teenagers, I take a lot out on them and I feel like I am pushing them away.  I only have a few more years with them and I am counting down the days until I have less mouths to feed less shampoo to buy, less noise in my house, less tooth past, less mess, less….EVERYTHING, and I hate that I think like that.  I hate that I am pushing my kids away. I hate that I tune them out when they are trying to talk to me.

I love my kids and I love my family!  Is my house crazy?  Yes! Is my house noise? Yes, is my house a constant mess?  ABSOLUTELY and I hate it.  I hate that we eat out more than we eat at home, I hate that my kids refuse to help me clean, I hate that I have to work ALL THE TIME, and my husband gets to stay home and do what I want to do, that he gets to go golfing every week, that he gets to sleep in everyday.

When did I become so resentful, so full of anger, so done with everything?  

I am just miserable and I don’t know how to fix it.  I don’t know where to start to help myself.  Yes, I know just pick a spot and start and the rest will fall into place.  But it is not that easy.  Or is it and I am just afraid?  What do I have to be afraid of though?  

Birth Feet

 I have finished another set of feet.  This one is for my daughter Jorilynn.  

So far this is the 3rd set of feet I have done I have 2 more to go for my boys.  I also have few other images similar to the feet that I need to make to complete my family wall.

16 Years Ago

16 years ago today, my dad passed away.  It was not expected, in fact hours before his passing we had talked I had hugged him, we even were making plans for the next Christmas.  I wish I could say that over the past 16 years it has gotten easier - easier without him, but it has not.  I have my days that I have an adult tantrum that he is no longer here.  I want to stomp my feet and scream that it is not fair, how could my dad, my young, healthy, cancer free, funny, smart, book worm of a dad get ripped away from me so suddenly?  I still get angry when I think of all the horrible people that are still walking the earth, but my dad - a man of God, a caring, loving, close to his family dad got ripped away from us so suddenly.  IT IS NOT FAIR.  

Just weeks before he passed away I made him promise me he would be alive to watch my kids grow up, that he would be an involved grandpa - traveling to games, cheering on my kids with life, giving them hugs, words of advice, teasing them, teaching them, laughing with them.  He said to me "kid don't worry I have at least 20 more years of life in me".  I did not get a chance to grow up with my grandpa's one died before I was born, one died when I was 2-ish years old. I never grew up them, I only have 1 memory of my grandpa.  

I keep hoping it will get easier, I have moments that I say something along the lines of "OOOh I have need to call my dad" or I wish my dad was here to give me a hug, a dad hug, the hug that makes my brain stop, makes me feel safe, makes me know that all will be ok. 

I have days that I am down right angry that he is gone, there are days I am sad and cry, there are days I am relieved he is no longer with us because of his arthritis and how horrible our world is getting.  But over all I miss my dad a lot and even though it is not easier I have learned how to cope with him not being here with us anymore.

I know that I will get to see my dad again one day. I will get to hear his laugh, here is jokes, talk to him and get his hugs.  I looked up to my dad, his knowledge, his wisdom, his ability to fix anything that went wrong.

Where Has The Time Gone?

Oh my gosh!  So here we are at the end of September 2018 and my last post was in April 2016.  Just a few days before my youngest baby was born. 

I have ignored my blog, trying to keep up with it was hard and life has been crazy busy.  Lately I have been trying to "find my self"  again.  My kids are close in age so I do not have much time for me any more and I decided enough is enough.  I need to do things for myself. 

Jeff and I are now taking an adult tap class together, the older girls are taking dance classes and the littles are busy being littles.  My 4 year old daughter is following in the footsteps of her older sisters and is trying to read.  I decided that I will have her reading and writing before she starts kindergarten.  My boys are very boy, they love the dirt, they love rough housing, they love being boy.  But having older sisters comes with them also loving to have their make up done, nails painted, and playing with baby dolls. 

I am hoping to return to blogging as a way to journal who I am, and where I am going.  Lets see if I can keep with it better this time round.  This Blog will be more about my crafting and my 2nd blog will be more about the joys of have 5 kids in a short span of time and trying to be real about my daily struggles and the daily chaos that I experience with the moments of joy that make it all worth it.

APRIL-TUSAL/ORT

Holy Schmoly where is this year going?  I was hoping to have a few counted cross stitches done, as well as a few quilts and some other "old" projects........BUT......It is now half way through April and not much to show for it!

I have 2 ORT Jars now as I seem to spend a lot of time in my van waiting for my kids to get out dance class.  So I have a traveling ORT Jar and an at home ORT Jar.

Home Jar

On The Go Jar

I have been posting my progress stitching pictures on my Instagram and it has been fun.  I have had a lot of motivation from fellow Instagramers (is that a word).  I love seeing what people are working on, their progress, and how they organize their supplies.  HOWEVER, I have seen a lot of patterns that I MUST HAVE....ok not really, but yeah I gotta have them.

Until next month!  Have fun and ORT away!

MARCH TUSAL/ORT

It may not look like I have added much over the last month, but I have.  I have my stitching mojo again and it seems like all I want to do is stitch stitch stitch......I am hoping to get 5 projects done this year.  Hopefully more, but 5 is my goal.  Some of them are large projects.

http://itsdaffycat.blogspot.com/2016/01/the-totally-useless-stitch-long-2016.html

Am I Broken?

I sure hope not!

I know that I am not supposed to compare myself to others, I know I am not supposed to listen to the thoughts that Satan puts in my head, I know that right now my most important job is to raise my family and set an example for my kids of a loving home and how a marriage is supposed to work, but why do I feel so lost?  Why do I feel so overwhelmed?  Why does I feel like my efforts are not making a difference?  Why is it that I loose my temper at the drop of a hat?

I know I am not the only one that feels this way, some days that brings me great comfort.  Some days I sigh a big sigh of relief because I see other moms with kids my age look overwhelmed and are frustrated with their station in life, with the state of their house, with the final NO comes out as a yell and kids sulk away and pout and say things like "your the worst mom EVER"!

HOWEVER, other days there is no comfort in those, I find no comfort when someone else's house looks like an atomic bomb went off, or when their kids had cold cereal for the 3rd night in a row for dinner, or that they are having to dig through hampers of clean clothes to find a pair socks.

Everyday I wake thinking, today is going to be different, today I am going to get my kitchen cleaned, including scrubbing the floors, today is the day that ALL my laundry will be washed folded and put away, today is the day.........(insert whatever project, goal, task that needs to be done).  However, by the time the babies lay down for their nap and I focus on a few things, like getting things ready for taxes, and the babies wake up than its time for lunch, shortly after the big kids are home from school, than it is dinner time, and than the house falls apart with whiny kids, screaming, mom it's not fair........I throw my hands up and think.  Did I get anything done other than breaking up yet another yelling fight between kids, or comfort the crawler that just got whacked in the head again with a toy by the toddler.....Why do I even try?

I know I am not broken, but more often than not I feel broken, I feel lost, I feel that my efforts do not amount to anything, I feel like I am setting a bad example for my girls, I feel like I am loosing the battle, I feel all alone!