16 Years Ago

16 years ago today, my dad passed away.  It was not expected, in fact hours before his passing we had talked I had hugged him, we even were making plans for the next Christmas.  I wish I could say that over the past 16 years it has gotten easier - easier without him, but it has not.  I have my days that I have an adult tantrum that he is no longer here.  I want to stomp my feet and scream that it is not fair, how could my dad, my young, healthy, cancer free, funny, smart, book worm of a dad get ripped away from me so suddenly?  I still get angry when I think of all the horrible people that are still walking the earth, but my dad - a man of God, a caring, loving, close to his family dad got ripped away from us so suddenly.  IT IS NOT FAIR.  

Just weeks before he passed away I made him promise me he would be alive to watch my kids grow up, that he would be an involved grandpa - traveling to games, cheering on my kids with life, giving them hugs, words of advice, teasing them, teaching them, laughing with them.  He said to me "kid don't worry I have at least 20 more years of life in me".  I did not get a chance to grow up with my grandpa's one died before I was born, one died when I was 2-ish years old. I never grew up them, I only have 1 memory of my grandpa.  

I keep hoping it will get easier, I have moments that I say something along the lines of "OOOh I have need to call my dad" or I wish my dad was here to give me a hug, a dad hug, the hug that makes my brain stop, makes me feel safe, makes me know that all will be ok. 

I have days that I am down right angry that he is gone, there are days I am sad and cry, there are days I am relieved he is no longer with us because of his arthritis and how horrible our world is getting.  But over all I miss my dad a lot and even though it is not easier I have learned how to cope with him not being here with us anymore.

I know that I will get to see my dad again one day. I will get to hear his laugh, here is jokes, talk to him and get his hugs.  I looked up to my dad, his knowledge, his wisdom, his ability to fix anything that went wrong.