I Hate….

…the mom I have become.  I have become fat, lazy, uninterested, fatigued, frustrated, distant, addicted to my phone, friendless,  …..I could go on.  

Motherhood is a hard thing to endure.  I am so tired at the end of the day that I cannot wait for my kids to go to bed.  I have stopped reading to them every night, I have stopped snuggling them every night.  Every night my littles ask me “will you come read to us? Will you come snuggle?” To which I reply every night “I will try”. I don’t want to try, I don’t want to snuggle, I don’t want to read to them.  And I hate that I feel that way.  I know that pretty soon the asking for snuggles and reading will stop and I will miss that, I know that soon they will be gone and on their own and I will long for the days of asking to play games, read books, snuggle.  But right now, with everything going on in my brain I just can’t.  Then I climb into bed and I pull out my phone and play games, dooms day scroll, everything else instead of being the mom that I want to be. Instead of taking 10 minutes and reading to them, tucking them, giving them one last hug and kiss.  

My teenagers, I take a lot out on them and I feel like I am pushing them away.  I only have a few more years with them and I am counting down the days until I have less mouths to feed less shampoo to buy, less noise in my house, less tooth past, less mess, less….EVERYTHING, and I hate that I think like that.  I hate that I am pushing my kids away. I hate that I tune them out when they are trying to talk to me.

I love my kids and I love my family!  Is my house crazy?  Yes! Is my house noise? Yes, is my house a constant mess?  ABSOLUTELY and I hate it.  I hate that we eat out more than we eat at home, I hate that my kids refuse to help me clean, I hate that I have to work ALL THE TIME, and my husband gets to stay home and do what I want to do, that he gets to go golfing every week, that he gets to sleep in everyday.

When did I become so resentful, so full of anger, so done with everything?  

I am just miserable and I don’t know how to fix it.  I don’t know where to start to help myself.  Yes, I know just pick a spot and start and the rest will fall into place.  But it is not that easy.  Or is it and I am just afraid?  What do I have to be afraid of though?