.....the face of the Earth....or have I. It is amazing at how much change can consume you. Trying to find a new balance, a new routine, a new way of life......EVERYTHING CHANGES....
I will admit I have been a little bit stressed over all the changes that have taken place, but at the same time I have had a sense of peace. Something I have not felt in a long time. I still have my worries, I still have my stresses, but it seems like since we have moved, I have hope for the first time in a long time. I have hope that we will get finances under control, I have hope that my kids will not fall through the cracks at school, I have hope that everything will be OK.
I am grateful for the opportunity that have been given to shake up our life, it has not been easy, but it has allowed me to re-evaluate who I am as a person, a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister and as a daughter of God. I have realized that I have a lot of wasted time, a lot of distractions, I have too much going on, but that I can only blame myself. I have chosen to take to much on, I have chosen to spread myself thin with crafting projects, trying to be the perfect everything.
Just after Jorilynn was born I told a friend of mine I would make her daughter a weighted blanket before she left for college. The months flew by faster that I expected and every night I would go to bed feeling guilty that I had not started the blanket for her, that my house was a mess, I had several started projects.......So just before we moved I told her that I was felt bad, but there was no way I was going to get it done. My friend totally understood and at first I felt horrible. But soon after I felt better a weight had been lifted.
This one experience made me realize that I have too much going on. Sure there are those moms out there that have 15 kids and they cook meals everyday, their house is clean......ETC....They are super moms or are they. I am not a super mom, and I a learning that. So as I have been getting rid of stuff, I have realized that I am me and that I need to be the best me I can even if that means we have cold cereal for dinner 3 nights in a row. I need to look at the big picture, which is my kids are healthy, they have food in their bellies, and we are all happy.
I can go on and on about my faults, a horrible house keeper, lazy, selfish, horrible wife, no self esteem, a lot of self doubt........but I am realizing that despite all these things I am a great person and that I am trying to be better. Is that not what is asked of us. To everyday live better than the day before. For me that might mean something as simple as my kitchen stayed clean all day, or that I did not loose my temper at my daughters. It does not matter what I did today to be better than yesterday, but that I saw a short coming and that I did better.
We watched a movie the other night called "Mom's Night Out" As we watched the movie I joked with Jeff that this is the reason why mom's never go out. But during the movie there is a lot of truths about how we are all different, we all have our weaknesses, but we need to learn how to take a time out and give ourselves credit for the things we can do, and do do.
I wish I could be a better mom and wife, a better house keeper, a better daughter, that I did not complain so much. I wish I was better at sewing, and being organized, better at not yelling at the kids, better at EVERYTHING. But as I learn and observe my children I am reminded that I am doing a good job, that my kids love me, my husband loves me, that Heavenly Father loves me. I have family I can count on, I have friends that are there to help me when I fall. I have a husband that works hard to support us so I can stay at home, I have a husband that loves me even with all my short comings and he never complains and he encourages me and supports me to be a better person. I have learned that I am 1 lucky person to be where I am today with the family that I have and the love that people show me daily. I need to work on loving myself for who I am today...right now......this second.