Motherhood is a hard thing to endure. I am so tired at the end of the day that I cannot wait for my kids to go to bed. I have stopped reading to them every night, I have stopped snuggling them every night. Every night my littles ask me “will you come read to us? Will you come snuggle?” To which I reply every night “I will try”. I don’t want to try, I don’t want to snuggle, I don’t want to read to them. And I hate that I feel that way. I know that pretty soon the asking for snuggles and reading will stop and I will miss that, I know that soon they will be gone and on their own and I will long for the days of asking to play games, read books, snuggle. But right now, with everything going on in my brain I just can’t. Then I climb into bed and I pull out my phone and play games, dooms day scroll, everything else instead of being the mom that I want to be. Instead of taking 10 minutes and reading to them, tucking them, giving them one last hug and kiss.
My teenagers, I take a lot out on them and I feel like I am pushing them away. I only have a few more years with them and I am counting down the days until I have less mouths to feed less shampoo to buy, less noise in my house, less tooth past, less mess, less….EVERYTHING, and I hate that I think like that. I hate that I am pushing my kids away. I hate that I tune them out when they are trying to talk to me.
I love my kids and I love my family! Is my house crazy? Yes! Is my house noise? Yes, is my house a constant mess? ABSOLUTELY and I hate it. I hate that we eat out more than we eat at home, I hate that my kids refuse to help me clean, I hate that I have to work ALL THE TIME, and my husband gets to stay home and do what I want to do, that he gets to go golfing every week, that he gets to sleep in everyday.
When did I become so resentful, so full of anger, so done with everything?
I am just miserable and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know where to start to help myself. Yes, I know just pick a spot and start and the rest will fall into place. But it is not that easy. Or is it and I am just afraid? What do I have to be afraid of though?
