Jelly World

Progress pictures.  I decided to join the HAED (Heaven and Earth Designs) 2025 SAL.  We had 12 patterns we could choose from.  It was hard a choice this year, but I went with Jelly World.  The bottom left corner.

Here is the progress so far

I Hate….

…the mom I have become.  I have become fat, lazy, uninterested, fatigued, frustrated, distant, addicted to my phone, friendless,  …..I could go on.  

Motherhood is a hard thing to endure.  I am so tired at the end of the day that I cannot wait for my kids to go to bed.  I have stopped reading to them every night, I have stopped snuggling them every night.  Every night my littles ask me “will you come read to us? Will you come snuggle?” To which I reply every night “I will try”. I don’t want to try, I don’t want to snuggle, I don’t want to read to them.  And I hate that I feel that way.  I know that pretty soon the asking for snuggles and reading will stop and I will miss that, I know that soon they will be gone and on their own and I will long for the days of asking to play games, read books, snuggle.  But right now, with everything going on in my brain I just can’t.  Then I climb into bed and I pull out my phone and play games, dooms day scroll, everything else instead of being the mom that I want to be. Instead of taking 10 minutes and reading to them, tucking them, giving them one last hug and kiss.  

My teenagers, I take a lot out on them and I feel like I am pushing them away.  I only have a few more years with them and I am counting down the days until I have less mouths to feed less shampoo to buy, less noise in my house, less tooth past, less mess, less….EVERYTHING, and I hate that I think like that.  I hate that I am pushing my kids away. I hate that I tune them out when they are trying to talk to me.

I love my kids and I love my family!  Is my house crazy?  Yes! Is my house noise? Yes, is my house a constant mess?  ABSOLUTELY and I hate it.  I hate that we eat out more than we eat at home, I hate that my kids refuse to help me clean, I hate that I have to work ALL THE TIME, and my husband gets to stay home and do what I want to do, that he gets to go golfing every week, that he gets to sleep in everyday.

When did I become so resentful, so full of anger, so done with everything?  

I am just miserable and I don’t know how to fix it.  I don’t know where to start to help myself.  Yes, I know just pick a spot and start and the rest will fall into place.  But it is not that easy.  Or is it and I am just afraid?  What do I have to be afraid of though?  

Birth Feet

 I have finished another set of feet.  This one is for my daughter Jorilynn.  

So far this is the 3rd set of feet I have done I have 2 more to go for my boys.  I also have few other images similar to the feet that I need to make to complete my family wall.

16 Years Ago

16 years ago today, my dad passed away.  It was not expected, in fact hours before his passing we had talked I had hugged him, we even were making plans for the next Christmas.  I wish I could say that over the past 16 years it has gotten easier - easier without him, but it has not.  I have my days that I have an adult tantrum that he is no longer here.  I want to stomp my feet and scream that it is not fair, how could my dad, my young, healthy, cancer free, funny, smart, book worm of a dad get ripped away from me so suddenly?  I still get angry when I think of all the horrible people that are still walking the earth, but my dad - a man of God, a caring, loving, close to his family dad got ripped away from us so suddenly.  IT IS NOT FAIR.  

Just weeks before he passed away I made him promise me he would be alive to watch my kids grow up, that he would be an involved grandpa - traveling to games, cheering on my kids with life, giving them hugs, words of advice, teasing them, teaching them, laughing with them.  He said to me "kid don't worry I have at least 20 more years of life in me".  I did not get a chance to grow up with my grandpa's one died before I was born, one died when I was 2-ish years old. I never grew up them, I only have 1 memory of my grandpa.  

I keep hoping it will get easier, I have moments that I say something along the lines of "OOOh I have need to call my dad" or I wish my dad was here to give me a hug, a dad hug, the hug that makes my brain stop, makes me feel safe, makes me know that all will be ok. 

I have days that I am down right angry that he is gone, there are days I am sad and cry, there are days I am relieved he is no longer with us because of his arthritis and how horrible our world is getting.  But over all I miss my dad a lot and even though it is not easier I have learned how to cope with him not being here with us anymore.

I know that I will get to see my dad again one day. I will get to hear his laugh, here is jokes, talk to him and get his hugs.  I looked up to my dad, his knowledge, his wisdom, his ability to fix anything that went wrong.

Where Has The Time Gone?

Oh my gosh!  So here we are at the end of September 2018 and my last post was in April 2016.  Just a few days before my youngest baby was born. 

I have ignored my blog, trying to keep up with it was hard and life has been crazy busy.  Lately I have been trying to "find my self"  again.  My kids are close in age so I do not have much time for me any more and I decided enough is enough.  I need to do things for myself. 

Jeff and I are now taking an adult tap class together, the older girls are taking dance classes and the littles are busy being littles.  My 4 year old daughter is following in the footsteps of her older sisters and is trying to read.  I decided that I will have her reading and writing before she starts kindergarten.  My boys are very boy, they love the dirt, they love rough housing, they love being boy.  But having older sisters comes with them also loving to have their make up done, nails painted, and playing with baby dolls. 

I am hoping to return to blogging as a way to journal who I am, and where I am going.  Lets see if I can keep with it better this time round.  This Blog will be more about my crafting and my 2nd blog will be more about the joys of have 5 kids in a short span of time and trying to be real about my daily struggles and the daily chaos that I experience with the moments of joy that make it all worth it.

APRIL-TUSAL/ORT

Holy Schmoly where is this year going?  I was hoping to have a few counted cross stitches done, as well as a few quilts and some other "old" projects........BUT......It is now half way through April and not much to show for it!

I have 2 ORT Jars now as I seem to spend a lot of time in my van waiting for my kids to get out dance class.  So I have a traveling ORT Jar and an at home ORT Jar.

Home Jar

On The Go Jar

I have been posting my progress stitching pictures on my Instagram and it has been fun.  I have had a lot of motivation from fellow Instagramers (is that a word).  I love seeing what people are working on, their progress, and how they organize their supplies.  HOWEVER, I have seen a lot of patterns that I MUST HAVE....ok not really, but yeah I gotta have them.

Until next month!  Have fun and ORT away!

MARCH TUSAL/ORT

It may not look like I have added much over the last month, but I have.  I have my stitching mojo again and it seems like all I want to do is stitch stitch stitch......I am hoping to get 5 projects done this year.  Hopefully more, but 5 is my goal.  Some of them are large projects.

http://itsdaffycat.blogspot.com/2016/01/the-totally-useless-stitch-long-2016.html

Am I Broken?

I sure hope not!

I know that I am not supposed to compare myself to others, I know I am not supposed to listen to the thoughts that Satan puts in my head, I know that right now my most important job is to raise my family and set an example for my kids of a loving home and how a marriage is supposed to work, but why do I feel so lost?  Why do I feel so overwhelmed?  Why does I feel like my efforts are not making a difference?  Why is it that I loose my temper at the drop of a hat?

I know I am not the only one that feels this way, some days that brings me great comfort.  Some days I sigh a big sigh of relief because I see other moms with kids my age look overwhelmed and are frustrated with their station in life, with the state of their house, with the final NO comes out as a yell and kids sulk away and pout and say things like "your the worst mom EVER"!

HOWEVER, other days there is no comfort in those, I find no comfort when someone else's house looks like an atomic bomb went off, or when their kids had cold cereal for the 3rd night in a row for dinner, or that they are having to dig through hampers of clean clothes to find a pair socks.

Everyday I wake thinking, today is going to be different, today I am going to get my kitchen cleaned, including scrubbing the floors, today is the day that ALL my laundry will be washed folded and put away, today is the day.........(insert whatever project, goal, task that needs to be done).  However, by the time the babies lay down for their nap and I focus on a few things, like getting things ready for taxes, and the babies wake up than its time for lunch, shortly after the big kids are home from school, than it is dinner time, and than the house falls apart with whiny kids, screaming, mom it's not fair........I throw my hands up and think.  Did I get anything done other than breaking up yet another yelling fight between kids, or comfort the crawler that just got whacked in the head again with a toy by the toddler.....Why do I even try?

I know I am not broken, but more often than not I feel broken, I feel lost, I feel that my efforts do not amount to anything, I feel like I am setting a bad example for my girls, I feel like I am loosing the battle, I feel all alone!

February ORT

Well, I took the picture on time and posted it to my Instagram account, but for some reason I am late posting it here......4 kids and a crazy week have nothing to do with it.........but here it is.  I have been working on 7 or 8 different stichings and normally I like to post my progress too....but not this month.

So I have been cleaning out my extra floss as well as organizing floss for projects.  I have a gallon size bag of the extra left over floss from projects and from people giving me floss.  It's insane and I am trying to figure out what to do with it all.....any ideas?

If you are wondering what a TUSAL and ORT's are follow this link and to learn about it and join the fun.  http://itsdaffycat.blogspot.com/

JANUARY -TUSAL ORT

Last year I took some time off from participating, life got the best of me, but this year I am determined to get a few stitchings crossed off my list.  So here is to the first month!!!

http://itsdaffycat.blogspot.com/2016/01/the-totally-useless-stitch-long-2016.html

I wish I could say I have been stitching that much, but I was cleaning up my stitching bag and this is floss that was crumbling as I touched so I shoved it in my jar.....

Here is my progress on a project that I am hoping to have finished soon!

PROJECTS

I continue to make progress.  It might appear to be slow going, but it's coming along pretty quick!  I am excited to get this finished!

I have also been working on making my house feel less like a rental and more like a home...that too is slow going.  

But I have decided to take a big empty wall in my dining room and make a J wall.  I got the idea from a friend who collects the letter T (it's what her last name starts with) and I loved it.  I hope as I add J's I will feel like we are in a home and not a house.

FINISHED!!!!

After working hard, and trying to get it done I finished it!!!! Oh happy day!!!

Not the best picture ever, but I am excited it is finished!  Another project crossed off my list!

With ever finished project I feel a weight lifting of my shoulders!

TYPE A.........

I learned many years ago that I am not a type A personality........In fact I am the farthest thing away from being type A that is makes me mad.  I am sloppy, messy, disorganized, no schedule for anything, spare of the moment kind of thing.  For example at 5:30 pm I think, "oh wow it's 5:30 maybe I should figure out something for dinner."  It is not healthy, it is frustrating because not only do I hate cooking, I am not good at it, so usually while babies are crying for dinner the girls are fighting me with doing homework or being helpful, I am trying to figure something out.  Once dinner is on the table I usually get looks and comments of how gross it is or that only 5 bites will be eaten.......

Oh my desk....you mean the piece of wood holding my computer and piles of paper that "I will get to when kids go to bed"  Or what about the laundry...I think that basket is clean...or wait was that the dirty basket?  Or my mounds of projects I have started and one day maybe one day I will finish.

When I was younger this did not bother me, but now with 4 kids and a crazy house not having a routine, or a clean home, it is stressful and I am teaching my kids bad habits that I cannot stand in myself...and to see them picking them up.....ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

So to my type A super organized have a plan and a schedule and are ready to tackle the world....I am envious.

I was talking to my mom the other day and I was venting to her about no matter what I do, how hard I try, what great idea I put into place to help I cannot get on top of it.  I was so proud of myself.  I cleaned out the babies closet and drawers and vacuumed and cleaned, than I moved onto the older girls room.  I was feeling really good about myself!  I went to the toy room which also serves as the sewing room, hang out room, pretty  much where we live room and looked around and started that room.  Filled up a box to give to charity of stuff and made a lot of progress.  I was vacuuming everyday as we have 2 dogs, live in the desert and have a crawler.  Than 2 days went by where we were just not home and busy and everything else happened, and all 3 rooms looked like a tornado followed by a bomb went off.  WHAT....ARE YOU JOKING?  WHAT HAPPENED?

I am so exhausted of the constant trying to catch up and get on top of...that I have given up.  I get on top of it in one area and lose control someplace else than while trying to stay on top of that area and than get a handle on the disaster some place else I feel like I am running circles.  

I am now in love with the phrase "less is more", but as I have been clearing out and downsizing I am realizing how much more I have to go...at what point do I get to enjoy the "less is more" phase?  

Anyways, instead of venting and complaining I should probably actually focus on making head way on the piece of wood holding my computer and piles of "I will get to it when the kids are in bed" piles of mail and bring home papers from school!

STITCHING.....SO MANY.........

......Projects!

On Monday nights while my 2 older girls are in ballet, I sit in my van and I stitch.  I keep a smaller project in my van so when ever I have to wait in my car for a long period of time I can pull it out and stitch.  

This is my current van project that I am working on for my mom....she only bought the pattern and floss about 3 years ago....I am hoping to have it done by Christmas time for her.

Even though I have several larger projects at home I am trying to finish this one....

This is a birth sampler (not technically but I am turning it into one). For my daughter that will be 2 in a few months.  I started it when I was about 14 weeks pregnant with her.....I am hoping to have it done soon it has a ton of half squares and I am not a huge fan of those...it also has quite a bit of back stitching and even though that goes quick, but again not my favorite! 

Any progress is good and finishing a project late is better than never!

DO I NEED MORE........

than one blog?  So I am not the best at blogging and I wish I was better, but between 4 kids, a husband who works 6 days a week any where from 2 hours a day up to 12 hours a day.....2 of my kids are in all day school, 2 of my kids are home with me all day....my house is a constant mess and I have a pile of unfished projects.......so life is crazy out of control and even though I want to sit and blog often, by the time I get to that point of my day or get the few minutes of quiet, the last thing on my mind is to blog, or post pictures or whatever because I a gazillion things that need my attention and I only get a little bit of time without little fingers helping me or someone needing me.

So back to my question sometimes I feel like I need a blog for the daily things, the things we did, silly things my kids say or do, how hard mommy hood is, etc.  I need a blog about church and hints we discussed and my thoughts about Sunday lessons or venting about why did I come to church today.  But I also do a lot of counted cross stitching so it would be nice to have a blog that focuses on my progress or completed projects.  But if I do one for counted cross stitching than I need in for my quilts and crochet....but what about my general sewing, you know skirts, dresses, pillow cases, bags,  things like that, should that be its own blog?

When I mix all of these things together I feel like my blog is a scattered crazy, has no direction type blog, but than again only having one blog is a great reflection of how my life is....no direction, scatter brained, no origination type life, which for some is quite funny, but more often than drives me nuts....


So should I have more than 1 blog or just organize my blog better or leave it as is so it is an accurate portrayal of my current station in life?

PARENTHOOD.....IS IT WORTH IT?

***I created this post early in the summer and due to craziness and life, I just found it again***

I often hear phrases along the lines of

"Enjoy this time of your life it goes fast"

"Motherhood is the most rewarding experience"

"There is a lot of joy in being a mom"

I am sure there are many more, but all of them are along these lines.  And I have to agree for the most part.  I look at my oldest daughter and think there is no way she will be turning 7 this summer!  I swear I just brought her home from the hospital and I was trying to figure out how to bath a newborn.

This was taken a shortly after we brought her home.  We were in Heaven,  life could not get any better than this. 

Almost 7 years later.....

Are you kidding me?  When did this happen?  When did she get to be this age?  

She is strong, stubborn, smart, beautiful, loving, obnoxious, beats to her own drum, confident, thoughtful, loud....and herself.  I sure do love even though on a daily basis she pushes boundaries, pushes my buttons, I end up frustrated with her.  She has taught me so much and continues to teach me on a daily basis.

Looking at how much she is grown this time has gone fast, but at the end of the day when I look around and see that my house is a disaster, my sink full of dishes, baskets for clothes that I am not sure if they are clean or dirty, sticky floors, I lost my temper with one of the children, I became overwhelmed by noise, look at the bank and see we are still broke.  I wonder is parenthood really worth it?  

I fantasize what my life would be like if it were just Jeff and I.  Would I be working?  Would we have a lot more money?  Would we be out of debt?  Would we have purchased a house by now?  Would we be living in a loft apartment over businesses? (A dream of mine to do)  Would our house be clean? This list can go on for a mile of how would my life be different?  

Do I miss the single life?  Absolutely!!! Do I miss the nights of being able to climb into bed at 7 pm and not feel guilty?  Of course!  Do I miss living by myself and having no one to answer too?  Of for sure!  Would I like to be able to sit and craft for hours on end and not be interrupted to make dinner or helping a child?  No doubt!  

As we were preparing to make a huge move, my in-laws took my 3 kids (at the time I was pregnant with #4) for a few days so I could fulfill some responsibilities I had committed too and so Jeff and I could focus on packing.  We were climbing into bed and the apartment was so quiet. We looked at each other and tried to remember what it was like before kids and what we did.  We both agreed that life was boring.  We are used to the chaos, the noise, the constant little fingers, that not having that  we were bored.

Sure parenthood brings on stress, noise, confusing, frustration, tension, anxiety........and sure we have the days of I wish I did not have kids and life would be so much easier. But in the long run I am so grateful that I am able to have kids and that I do have four amazing children.  As I teach them they teach me.  As I learn to love, they are learning to love.  I would never trade what my struggles are for a life without kids.  

Pet Peeves

Today as I sat at my desk and was trying to get things done I realized 2 things.  

1) that there are days when being an adult/parent really sucks.....like really sucks big time.  Today was one of those days.  Trying to make phones to take care of insurance and stuff. I ask my questions and then they say we have to transfer you just to be told that I have to do X Y Z to take care of situation A, oh and did you know you had to have form B filled out by the 15th.  

2) I have many small pet peeves, however, one of my biggest pet peeves is being disorganized.  I hate it when I go into someone's office and it is a mess and they cannot find anything.  Yet that is how my home office is.......AND I HATE IT!!! But yet for some reason I cannot seem to get organized.  I try and try and try and try and I just can't do it.  And not just my home office, but my house in general. I know that it takes 30 seconds to clean up after lunch but yet lunch dishes are still sitting out and not getting done.....I could on and on about how disorganized I am and most people will say, your a mom it's ok, and it might be to some extent, but I have been disorganized and messy my entire life.  

Being disorganized takes me back to point one, that getting organized and trying to be on top of it all reminds me of how much being a grown up can suck sometimes!!

A Time and a Season

 So there is a phrase I hate and when I say hate I mean it is like nails down a chalk board.....makes me want to shout at who said it and say SHUT UP.....raises my frustration level beyond boiling....I hate it when people tell me that there is a time and season for all things.......

However, as I gain wisdom for learning what it means to be a good mom, as my days are now filled with changing poppy diapers, getting kids on and off the bus, trying to keep a clean and organized house, and supporting my husband with his hard work to provide for the family; I am learning how true that statement is.  It does not change my feelings about when people say it though.

When it is said I instantly look around at other moms that have kids the same age as mine, or at least close in age, my thoughts jump to "how is it they can  go to the gym, have a clean house, sit i front of their of their sewing machine for hours on end, their house is amazingly decorated, look at all of the crafts they get done......but I can't". 

After I think about that I get the gentle reminder that their circumstances, even though similar, is different than mine.  I don't know what sacrifices that they have had to make to be where they are today. I don't know what their desires are, or what they wish they had time to do, maybe they look at me and say think to themselves, it's not fair that she gets to........(whatever it is they think). 

As I learn about the sacrifices my mom has made and continues to make to be the mom that she is. I realize that part of being a good mom is giving up some of my desires and wants to put my children first and to accept the fact that time for me will be hard to come by for many years to come.  I am not saying that it is a bad thing. But just another adjustment in life.  Life is all about changing to become a better person, develop talents, however, it does not make it any easier to accept the fact that there is a season and time for everything.

Easy To Forget......

As a mom it is natural to go through a roller coaster of emotions and moods.  You asked to do things right now by kids and your husband.  You need to go potty but first you need to feed the baby, get lunch ready for the kids, you need to make a phone call.....pretty soon your cranky and yelling at everyone and have no idea why.  That's when you look at the clock see it is 4:30 you still haven't gone potty and realized the only thing that you have  for lunch is the last 3 bites of sandwich your child let of their plate and the 4 carrot sticks and a quick drink of water.

You look around your house and think "so what did I get done today?"  You see piles of dirty clothes that you were going to wash, Overflowing garbage, Breakfast bowls still in the sink.........

Than comes bedtime and you remind yourself my kids are alive and giggling...you did something right today.

As I sit here after a day that started out strong and slowly went to a less productive day, rocking my 10 month old to sleep early because the only nap she got was this morning for about 1 hour... Listening to her breath I forget how blessed my life is, what a blessing my kids are to me, how much I love them.  I forget that all they want it mom time, snuggle time, to be loved and noticed...

Motherhood is not easy there are days I say to myself...if only I did not have kids, if only they were older.....if only........but than I am gently reminded that these are the God days.  When The baby giggles at her older sisters, the joy I feel from knowing my kids all love each other, the joy I feel when my older kids help out people without being asked....

It is easy to forget that I am one blessed mom and wife with a wonderful family....

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU CAN'T SLEEP?

So I am at that point in the pregnancy now that my heart burn is horrible, I get up about 1,000 times a night to pee, I can't get comfortable when I sleep......so here I am the second night in a row with insomnia.

It does not help either that my mind has decided to start fretting about EVERYTHING.  No really I mean everything.

Is this baby going to have a cleft palate?
How can we afford another one?
Are we ever going to get out of debt?
Am I a good mom?
How can I teach my children to be neater/cleaner?
Will I ever become organized?
Should I stop blogging?
I am too much of a negative person?
Why has Jeff stuck with me this long?
Am I really beautiful to him or does he say that to make me feel good?
Will I ever be under 200 pounds again?
How do my friends have the confidence to sell their crafts but I don't?
Could I sell what I make and help pay bills?
Do I need to find a job?
I need to learn to cook..
Should I start menu planning?

So I think you get the idea.  When my mind starts thinking like this I get super duper mad at Jeff because he is laying next to me snoring, sweating, drooling, dreaming.  ME I am flipping and flopping wishing to go back to sleep.

So tonight instead of laying there I decided to get up.  However I cannot do much because I do not want to wake up the family. I would love to turn on a movie and sew, but my sewing machine is in our loft right between our bedroom and the girls bedroom and if I shut doors the rooms get super hot or I end up waking up one of the kids or Jeff will ask me what is wrong and tell me to go back to bed.

One of my biggest eye sores in my house is my desk.  I have stacks of papers, bills, things to scan, boxes of stuff stacked next to it.  So here I sit, working on simplifying my e-mail in box, scanning receipts, bills etc, sorting out bills, and generally working on my desk.

So when the sandman decides your done sleeping at 3 in the morning.  What do you do?